Muse of randomness (itspaula) wrote,
Muse of randomness

When you're feeling emo and it's a rainy day outside...


Two posts in the same month? Are we back in high school again?!? NO! It's just the magic of crankiness and a need for the reclusive anonymity and potential voyeurism of the internet! Hooray!!

Basically, I am one procrastinatory addiction away from failing all of my classes this quarter. I am currently the furthest away from writing a paper that I have ever been, when one considers the number of hours in which the paper is due, the assigned length of said paper, the estimated amount of research which will be necessary to complete the paper, and the amount of research/thought/solid concentration time that has been put into the paper so far (Hint: about half as much time as I've spent doing actual work at my job tonight...)

I've secretly and accidentally started watching BSG, after getting into a series of fights about it with my vaguely clueless and mildly frustrating roommate. Turns out, it is almost as addicting as he claims, particularly when I promise myself to watch only one episode, which is conveniently the one so far that ends with a cliffhanging "To Be Continued..."

Ah well, I'm being a good kid now, at least, and turning my attention to research, even with that tantalizing ellipsis nudging at my brain.

For reals, though, I've been in some sort of slumpy mood for the past several days now, perhaps even longer. I haven't been a productive person all quarter, and I haven't been a particularly nice one, either. I've been avoiding Real Life and all its manifestations like the plague, and it's left a bad taste in my mouth and a guilty feeling hanging about in the back half of my consciousness.

Additionally, I've become a Horrible Person. I don't know when it happened. I thought that I used to be a nice person, but it seems that I was mistaken, or perhaps just waiting to hit my stride. It's as though I'm taking crazy pills, and they come in several varieties.

For starters, I feel as though my life is being taken away, chunk by chunk, and transferred to someone else. Little pieces of ambitions--especially stupid ambitions--fall out of my hands and into someone else's. Friendships seem to move there, as do job opportunities, fashion decisions, academic successes, tiny interactions with people. Why should I care about an apple pie, an inside joke, a particularly good hairday, a compliment, a tan? Because I'm a paranoid jealous freak? Yesh.

Not only that, but I revel in the negative, in the drama, in the sordid and sometimes the cruel. Not that this is entirely new--I have learned to be the locus of drama, and I have apparently grown to enjoy it, so much so that I at times create it around myself when none exists. This quarter is one of those times, apparently. I strive for the ridiculous, the emotional, and the outrageous, feasting on it when it is presented, and becoming petulant when it doesn't. I'm freaking Linsey Lohan in Mean Girls.

Anyway, this post is mostly meant as a catalyst, a reminder to me to be a decent human being once in a while. Hopefully, it will be a refreshing taste of classic LJ whimpering to those who are so inclined, and will be ignored by everyone else.

Now, to what form of procrastination shall I turn next? Decisions, decisions...
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