Writings of One who is a Tad Bit Bizarre|
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Muse of randomness' LiveJournal:
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|Saturday, May 24th, 2014|
I'm having a weird day, accompanied by a crisis of faith in humanity.
I'm going to go do laundry, because if one is having a crisis of faith in humanity, one might as well get some laundry done.
I don't know. Tipsy and alone. Hey there, lj.
|Monday, February 22nd, 2010|
|Thoughts on Seniorism...
A year ago, while sitting in a practice interview for a summer internship, I was asked by the interviewer what my biggest regret was--if I could change something in my past, what would it be? I sat for a while, unable to think of anything, and ultimately made up some non-answer. It's interesting, because I've never been so acutely desirous of a "reset" button before. Large-scale would be nice. A year ago, I couldn't think of a single re-do moment; now, I'd make drastic changes throughout the past six and a half months. If I could have them back--go back to August and start over--things would be quite a bit different.
Typical Paula, to burst out with such melodrama, but it's true. I've bungled (perhaps not the right word?) important relationships, potentially important opportunities, the grad school application process at large, the writing of my BA, personal finances, and dinner recipes. It's a classic case of 20/20 hindsight, but I do feel a bit like I've grossly mismanaged things.
I suppose I assume that if I'd done things differently, I'd have a surer footing right now. Perhaps. Perhaps not. Lately I've been forced to do a lot of thinking about where I want my life to go, both long- and short-term, and how I'm going to get it there. A part of me wants to aim low--stop striving, stop being crazy and stressed. Just get a job that pays bills, then get married, cook, and have kids. I do really enjoy cooking, after all. The University of Chicago wants me to succeed so badly, and tells me so so frequently, that most times I forget that it really only has its own interests at heart. After all, no one will apply to UChic because of my fame as a housewife.
But there's a part of me that does want to keep going, to struggle vigorously towards some kind of fulfilling, Nirvana-esque future career. But what? Academia? Am I really suited to write papers for the rest of my life? I can't even summon the strength to finish my BA (and reading Middlemarch during this critical period DOESN'T HELP)--how will I be able to keep writing papers that are even more important, that matter even more?!
Also, there's that part about having mucked up the grad school application process, which doesn't help matters...
Or should I leave academia, if I don't have the chops? But what then? I really love the work I've been doing in arts admin--should I take the GMAT and go get an MBA? Now _there's_ something I'm unqualified for. Having spent so long working towards one goal, I feel like I'm cheating myself and everyone who's worked with me by changing directions, or even pondering such a change.
Then, apart from these major life-path choices, there are all the other things to consider--Should I take a year off? Have a job? An internship? What will I do about Alaska? How will we make things work? How do we make a plan that allows for flexibility but points us in the direction of each other at an end terminus? Should I apply for X scholarship or Y fellowship? Music History or Ethnomusicology? And, if Ethno, should I take Hindi? or Hebrew? Or Arabic?
And then I realize--with all of this stressing, I'm not even thinking of the fact that I'm Graduating in a few months. I'm moving out of my apartment and leaving all of my friends. I'm closing the book on what people so blithely term the "best years of my life". In all the bustle, I haven't even had time to freak out about those things...
*cue Paula running down hallway, freaking out...* Current Mood: contemplative
|Saturday, November 14th, 2009|
Hello Livejournal. It's four in the morning, my time. I know that means I shouldn't be writing, but it's been a weird night.
I've cried, been angry at a host of different people, and generally am having a difficult time formulating the correct responses to social and emotional stimuli.
The past several weeks, for various reasons, have been weeks of suppressed emotion. The future is scary enough, and nostalgia is just plain out of the question.
Really, the crux of the matter is: I shouldn't get hopped up on Scottish "cream soda on crack" sugar-coma-in-a-bottle beverages, and then stay up until 4AM prodding dragons.
Also, I miss the days when I had internet communities of a handful of people, not the whole crazy world. Hence my return to livejournal. I figure I'll err on the side of no one.
|Friday, October 2nd, 2009|
|Another one bites the dust
Can't decide how I feel about the Chicago Olympic knockout. Makes me feel a little bad about my previous plans for a dramatic post about mistakes I've made in my life/the GRE.
Oh well. Poor Chicago.
|Tuesday, September 29th, 2009|
|Yeah, those times...
You ever have one of those times when the internet punches you in the stomach, a good five or six times in a row? And they don't hurt that bad individually, but you wind up being like "Damn...internet...stop punching me! Shit, dude..."
|Sunday, September 20th, 2009|
I wish someone would slap me, call me an idiot, call me worse.
If anyone's secretly developing time-travel technology, I'd sell my soul for a morsel of that.
|Saturday, August 29th, 2009|
|This is one of the perils...
Sigh. Of course, on the weekend that I'm feeling acutely lonely and a little freaked out, my two best friends have to go and be all dating each other in New York, city of romance. Stupidfaces.
Ah well. I love them. They love each other. In a different way.
I also love chocolate, so it's lucky that it's Borough Market day!
*om nom nom*
|Saturday, July 11th, 2009|
|The story of my summer? Abridged
Well, I'm not going to say that people were right, at least not entirely. I really don't see myself collapsing into a fiery black hole of my own design. Not that black holes are fiery. But I haven't gone crazy, nor has sleep deprivation driven me to anything more than slight bouts of above-average crankiness. The commutes and the jobs, even the lack of days off, are just fine. It's a question of getting used to things, really, that matters.
I find myself forced to agree, though, that effectively annulling the last true summer before the Real World perhaps wasn't the best idea I've had in my life and, more unfortunately, it's one that I can't take back. It's one of those "Damn, why did I watch that movie? There's three hours of my life i'll never have again..." Except that, instead of three hours, it's a few months. Everyone is off, having adventures, having parties, seeing each other, deepening friendships, while I'm punching timecards and rewriting my resume.
It's probably just my perpetual grass-is-always-greener syndrome rearing its head.
Additionally, life in a cubicle makes me a little crazy, prone to strong, irrational, and ridiculous urges. A few days ago, the urge to watch Pretty Woman RIGHT THAT INSTANT. The next day--"Wow. I'm going to move to Fairbanks. As soon as possible." Today's was "What if I decided to be CRAZY for a day, making an ex's life extremely awkward for a moment, fabricating a story of my continued love for him or her?!" It was one of my classic fantastic Paula ideas, and sort of gripped me by the throat for a good fifteen minutes or so.
Time's just moving a little too quickly, I think.
|Tuesday, May 26th, 2009|
|When you're feeling emo and it's a rainy day outside...
Two posts in the same month? Are we back in high school again?!? NO! It's just the magic of crankiness and a need for the reclusive anonymity and potential voyeurism of the internet! Hooray!!
Basically, I am one procrastinatory addiction away from failing all of my classes this quarter. I am currently the furthest away from writing a paper that I have ever been, when one considers the number of hours in which the paper is due, the assigned length of said paper, the estimated amount of research which will be necessary to complete the paper, and the amount of research/thought/solid concentration time that has been put into the paper so far (Hint: about half as much time as I've spent doing actual work at my job tonight...)
I've secretly and accidentally started watching BSG, after getting into a series of fights about it with my vaguely clueless and mildly frustrating roommate. Turns out, it is almost as addicting as he claims, particularly when I promise myself to watch only one episode, which is conveniently the one so far that ends with a cliffhanging "To Be Continued..."
Ah well, I'm being a good kid now, at least, and turning my attention to research, even with that tantalizing ellipsis nudging at my brain.
For reals, though, I've been in some sort of slumpy mood for the past several days now, perhaps even longer. I haven't been a productive person all quarter, and I haven't been a particularly nice one, either. I've been avoiding Real Life and all its manifestations like the plague, and it's left a bad taste in my mouth and a guilty feeling hanging about in the back half of my consciousness.
Additionally, I've become a Horrible Person. I don't know when it happened. I thought that I used to be a nice person, but it seems that I was mistaken, or perhaps just waiting to hit my stride. It's as though I'm taking crazy pills, and they come in several varieties.
For starters, I feel as though my life is being taken away, chunk by chunk, and transferred to someone else. Little pieces of ambitions--especially stupid ambitions--fall out of my hands and into someone else's. Friendships seem to move there, as do job opportunities, fashion decisions, academic successes, tiny interactions with people. Why should I care about an apple pie, an inside joke, a particularly good hairday, a compliment, a tan? Because I'm a paranoid jealous freak? Yesh.
Not only that, but I revel in the negative, in the drama, in the sordid and sometimes the cruel. Not that this is entirely new--I have learned to be the locus of drama, and I have apparently grown to enjoy it, so much so that I at times create it around myself when none exists. This quarter is one of those times, apparently. I strive for the ridiculous, the emotional, and the outrageous, feasting on it when it is presented, and becoming petulant when it doesn't. I'm freaking Linsey Lohan in Mean Girls.
Anyway, this post is mostly meant as a catalyst, a reminder to me to be a decent human being once in a while. Hopefully, it will be a refreshing taste of classic LJ whimpering to those who are so inclined, and will be ignored by everyone else.
Now, to what form of procrastination shall I turn next? Decisions, decisions...
|Saturday, May 23rd, 2009|
|LJ Post? Oh yes, this is happening.
So last night, I had one of my worst ideas.
"How about, when I go to London, I write letters to all of my friends, real open and honest letters, in which I tell them why they are important to me, and what I feel I need to work on in our relationship, and what I see as the strongest and weakest points in both of us!? This sounds like a great idea!"
Since when have I wanted to write long, deep, explanatory letters? Not for a long time.
And why am I getting less sleep over a weekend at home than I have been getting all quarter at school? These are questions in my life.
|Saturday, March 14th, 2009|
|So THAT's what I get for waking up...
Lesson learned today--always pay attention to little nagging doubts. ALWAYS.
Wow. It's been an intense morning and it hasn't even started. Let's see what the day brings!!
|Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009|
|Things of today:
I had something very important to tell you when I first woke up this morning. Unfortunately, that was at 6AM, and I immediately fell back to sleep and forgot it.
Sorry! I lurv you muchly, though.
Where should I send packages to you?
I told you I would mention you in my LJ....
|Wednesday, February 25th, 2009|
|It's that time again...
In very related news, I might be spending a month in England this summer.
|Thursday, February 19th, 2009|
So, while surfing the internets just now, I stumbled upon www.savior.org.
I'm a little perturbed about this particular internet phenomenon. It rubs me the wrong way. Call me old-fashioned, but I like to keep my internet highway and my spiritual path as two separate thoroughfares. I don't like it when people e-mail me forwarded, send-this-to-thirty-people-or-die "prayers", and I'm just not comfortable with this.
For all of those uninterested in clicking on the link, I'll sum up. It's a site on which a webcam is set up to monitor and feed perpetual adoration of the blessed sacrament. For nonCatholics, this means that a Catholic watching this is watching the real, physical presence of Jesus. On a webcam.
On a webcam? Really?
Perhaps that's the part that riles me. Webcams have such tawdry associations, hearkening such immediate pejorative imagery. Webcams are for recording kinky sex or terrorist executions. At the very best, they are for the 24/7 streaming of puppies or panda bears--even then, do my twenty years of Catholicism really not rebel against the idea of Jesus, the sacred Eucharist, the body and blood of Christ, being put on display like a FUZZY CREATURE IN A ZOO? And this is the BEST case scenario, the BEST association that I can make, the BEST company that I can provide for my online Lord and Savior.
Suffice it to say, this is NOT how I will be spending my Lenten internet times.
It might inspire me to spend more time in adoration and prayer in an actual physical Church, though, which certainly isn't a problem.
Additionally, Fred Phelps is coming to our campus to protest our ties with Obama and our support of horrible things like homosexuality. Can anyone think of reasons why I should or should not attend a counterprotest? I think it would be fun, and we all know how Paula hates protestors...but there is something to be said for not giving Phelps and his followers anything to work with, any of the recognition and attention which they clearly crave. Current Mood: pensive
|Tuesday, February 17th, 2009|
There seems to be a point in every quarter at which I feel like I'm being a bad friend to most people. This is apparently that point.
The random Coldplay probably doesn't help much.
Additionally, and on a rather unrelated note, I came to the epiphany today that I've only really become a college student in the past couple of weeks. The first 2-2.5 years of college were just a transition period, pulling me out of "High School".
And yes, I just analyzed my life as though it were a sonata. Blame all of the theory classes.
But...welcome to college, me?
|Sunday, February 8th, 2009|
Ummm...Happy New Year?
Geez I haven't posted in a while.
Alright, homework times.
Bye! See you in 2010.
I graduate in 2010.
|Tuesday, December 30th, 2008|
|As break wraps up...
Paula has been...enhancing her pop culture knowledge in the past 20 minutes? I don't think I had ever actually heard a Miley Cyrus song before. Oh youtube, and your wonders.
Things on my mind:
I hate being sick, like woah.
Housesitting is rapidly losing its allure.
My boyfriend never e-mails me. Sadtimes....
Things to do when I get back:
Apply for Metcalfs
Get a job
Start on homework. Woot!
|Friday, December 19th, 2008|
|Autumn Quarter 2008
Paula's GPA=went up!
Many Good Grades!
And, due to the joys of tour, I am mad exhausted and going to take a nap.
|Tuesday, December 16th, 2008|
|Photographs and the Joys of Retrospection
The world which pictures reflect is amazing.
For example, my former RA just posted an entire album of pictures on Facebook which comprise unhappy moments in my life. Dance Marathon, for example, or that time when my boyfriend went camping with his harem. Those were especially nice, as I'd only ever had my imagination for fodder before, which gets dimmer without bolstering evidence.
Yay for pictures! Remember how happy we were?!?
The funny thing, though, is that I will eventually see such pictures and assume that the times which they represent were truly as happy as the moments depicted.
Update on Operation Alpha Midnight: No Update.
Also, this week remains amazing, although today's 5 hour driving adventure strained my patience. Only serves to assure me more that I could never go back to dating my lovely young Jewish friend. Garrr frustration. Boys.
|Sunday, December 14th, 2008|
On the final train in the several-th state, I was tired and cranky, frustrated with everything.
Half hour later, at the house of one of the lovely lovely Jews, the 180 emotional turn was INTENSE.
You've just been through a quarter of intense stress, then packed onto a bus, a plane, three trains and a car with several friends and many strangers for hours.
Then, you are set loose in a house full of PUPPIES AND DELICIOUS FOOD (black bean dip!!!!!, the best chips I've ever eaten, orangina, SOOOO MANY DELICIOUS THINGS!!!).
Then I went to bed, and my pajama shirt smelled all wonderful. It will be a long three weeks.